Don't Be Confrontin This Way

Dudes and Dudettes of Soul A,

Now that you have been introduced a bit to confrontation I’m going to give you a list of some of the ways NOT to do this whole confronting thing. This devo is short and sweet but it is also very important peeps. Because confronting others is important and necessary you guys need to know how not to do it as well as how to do it. Tonight we are going to look at how not.

Confrontation is usually about something personal. Personal, meaning, that whatever you’re confronting the person on, is directly related to them, whether it is a well known fact about the person, or an inner struggle. Because you are confronting a particular friend or group of friends you have to be very sensitive to the situation.

Now, In my life, like I mentioned earlier, I struggled with confrontation. It was something I was afraid of. I asked God to help me out in this area so He gave me a friend named Laura. Her and I were in our second year of college and we had recently become the best of friends. When you get to be best friends with others you get to see all their goods and bads. You care about them a lot that you want to challenge them to get out of the bad spots. This is how it was with Laura and I. The list I’m about to give you is…no lie…a list that I have come up with out of my experiences with confronting and being confronted by Laura. There are probably much more extensive lists on how not to do confrontation but this is a list of some that are from my experience.

So folks, this is how, in my experience, not to confront others:

1. In front of others. As self explanatory as this may be, I will expand. Even if it is one other person that you both may be friends with…do not confront your friend in front of someone else. Now, in some situations you may need to confront a friend with someone else, but that is entirely different. This will just embarrass the friend you are confronting and make you look like a jerk or idiot. Plus, it makes the third person a bit uncomfortable.

2. Jokingly/making light of/making fun of. This is one that I tried by accident. I had some random issue with Laura that I felt I should say something about and it came out as more of a joke than anything else. It really hurt her feelings. If you are confronting a friend….mean it. It shows such a lack of caring for the persons feelings. I was trying to lighten up the situation because for some reason I deal with things through humor…laugh it off right?! That is not always the best tactic….and usually never is in confrontation. Mean what you say and be sensitive to what your friends are struggling with. Don’t lessen the importance of the situation you’re confronting them on. Especially when it comes to topics about purity.

3. Angrily. Now, this is a bit of a tricky one. It’s okay to be angry about situations in your life and situations your friends are in. It’s okay to get mad. BUT…big but…confronting out of anger isn’t effective. Think before you confront. Don’t blow up at your friend. Pray about it first. Calm down and try not to say something you may regret later that came out of ill feelings.

4. Email/text/facebook-Don’t chicken out! I tell you peeps…face to face and if you absolutely have no other choice…on the phone… is the only way of doing it. There is no room for your friend to explain or talk. Messages can be mixed. Etc. I’m sure you have all been part of a situation where you’ve texted someone something funny to have them totally taken it the wrong way. Confrontation when dealing with purity should be taken seriously and out of love. Don’t chicken out.

5. Without knowing what the situation really is. Self explanatory? Make sure you know what the deal is with your friends. Make sure it’s a situation that needs confronting. If you start confronting, get your facts straight. It will just end up awkward and confusing.

Like I said, this is not a comprehensive list. There are other ways to go wrong with confronting. This is just a start. Tomorrow I will finish off this devo set by giving you some pointers on how to do confrontation. I can’t stress the importance of praying before confrontation.

Hope this gets you brain gears turning.

Y'all Be Confrontin'

Todays topic is…drum roll please…….Confrontation!! Lets open with a verse from the Bible because that’s where all the best stuff is.

⁵ Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
⁶ Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs 27:5-6 NIV

And now, a quote from my buddy Oscar Wilde: "True friends stab you in the front." Think about that for a moment…..

So, confrontation…not going to lie, it is straight up…one of my least fave things to do in life….ever! But, it is so necessary no matter how sucky. I’m a peace loving, easy going chic. I hate the potential conflict or hurting peoples feelings SO confrontation is a skill that I blow at cause I hate doing it. I hate it so much that I often avoid doing it even when I know it’s what I need to do. One year when I was in college I prayed that I could work on my confrontation skills…be careful what you pray for guys….he will give you situations in which to practice these skills. Thankfully He gave me a really good friend to practice these skills with. We would often practice on each other and never on purpose…it was weird stuff. Both of us learned a lot about what not to do and because of that what to do. Thank the LORD for forgiveness and understanding.

Anywhoooooo

As you can see, this is one of the hardest things that I struggle with, I don’t know what it’s like for you guys, but it is tough stuff. Now, some personalities tend to have an easier time with it all, and some don’t. No matter how hard or easy it is for you, you still need to know the good ways of confronting and the bad ways.

Telling a buddy “hey man, you gotta stop doing this cause…..” takes big time guts. Sometimes you look uncool, uncaring, or whatev. But man, especially on the topic of purity, we have got to start stepping up and calling each other out. And, who better then friends who love us, know us, are comfortable with us. There are few different ways you can do this whole confrontation thing.

-one on one

-third party-be careful not to betray trust

-group intervention

-Kind and gentle….caring- Check out the story of Jesus Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42)

-Angry and get it through your thick skull blunt stuff-Jesus and table throwing (Matthew 21:12-13)

So confrontation is a large part of accountability. If you ask a friend to be your accountability person, you should expect that asking them is an invitation for that person to call you out when you’re struggling with something. And you, as someone’s accountability, must have the guts to confront the other or else the whole idea of keeping each other accountable becomes just a fancy title for nothing. It becomes useless.

The last couple of devo’s are going to look at how to properly confront and how not to. Things can get really touchy when it comes to purity and living a pure life. I hope you continue to pray about who you are accountable with. Pray for chances to change each others lives, and pray for sensitivity.

Friendship and Accountability

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, just as you are in fact doing.

Okay, so you’ve thought about your friendships a bit. Now, lets get into what purity has to do with your friendships. You can’t always count on Soul Asylum or church to challenge you on all of the things that go on in your life…..even though they are very important for your growth, changing, and maturity. There are many places that you can find accountability people. Church leaders, youth leaders, parents and other adults in your life that you trust. But, we are looking at accountability in the confines of friends because there just seems to be no one around that knows you better then your close friends, right. They often know what’s going on in your life better then even your family. You guys need those people in your life that you can talk to about everything and anything. You need that support and you need that honest accountability. Someone who knows and sees your ups and downs and can call you out when you’re being an idiot.

So, lets take a look at accountability within your friendships. When you’re having issues in your life dealing with purity, I tell ya, there is nothing better then having a friend that you can talk to about what you are struggling with and then have that certain someone challenge you to change. It is a cool thing to be able to have someone in your life to call you out when you are stumbling through an issue. In the Bible Paul even had someone in his life to keep him accountable named Barnabus:

“(2) Paul and Barnabus. Paul had a Barnabus (a son of encouragement) with whom he could identify. Paul could go to him with problems and discouragement. He was someone with whom he could pray, or from whom he could get counsel, guidance, and encouragement. He was someone to give another viewpoint or perspective. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” -http://bible.org/seriespage/mark-16-accountability

When struggling with things like purity, it can be tough to make boundaries…or even see that you need boundaries. I tell ya, it is so easy to justify some sins in your life especially those sins that are okayed by the rest of the world. It is a slippery slope that leads to a lot of heartache and a lot more problems to struggle with later. SO….how awesome would it be to have someone who is in your life that knows the slope you are on so that when they see you sliding down they can grab you and pull you up before it gets too messy?

I challenge you to have at least one person in your life, someone that you trust a lot, that can do that for you. Someone who, out of love and friendship, can say “hey, you really need to slow down…” or say whatever it is you need to hear. It is a gift of a relationship that can help you in many situations.

Now, I recommend that this person is someone of the same sex. It’s really just a matter of guys understand guy issues better, and girls understand girl issues better. You can talk to someone of the opposite sex about struggles you are having…I’m not saying you shouldn’t. But, in most cases, it is far more effective to keep accountable to someone of the same sex.

So, now, as you are thinking of you would like to have this accountability shin dig with, consider their lifestyle: would they direct on the right path? Would they keep you accountable to the right things? Do you trust them? Would you be able to keep them accountable back?

So that’s a quick look at accountability. The rest of this week we will be unpacking one MAJOR part of accountability. The biggest part as far as I’m concerned. For me, it’s one of the hardest parts of any relationship. And that, my friends, is confrontation.

I pray that all of you find someone here on earth to keep accountable to. Whether it is a friend or a leader or whoever else. You pray about it too.

Friends are Friends Forever

For the last couple of weeks we’ve been looking at purity and this week is no different. This particular week we will be looking at purity from a different angle…..Friendships. So, what does the topic of friendships have to do with purity. We will unpack this throughout the week.

First things first lets look at what a friendship is. In a day where friendship seems to be defined by the amount of people that stalk you on facebook lets dig a little deeper into what a friend really is. We commonly hear or think of friends like family. They stick up for you not tare you down, hang out with you even when you’re lame or boring. They will challenge you or tell you when you’re being dumb. They will even tell you if you have stuff in your teeth because truly they want the best for you.

That’s a few ideas of what I think a friend is. Now, I’m going to throw you a bunch of quotes and definitions of what others think a friend is. Think of your friends as you read these. Do they measure up? Do you measure up?

Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.
- Joseph Addison

Brainyquote.com defines friendship as: “The state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will.”

Merriam-Webster defines friendship in their dictionary as such:

Main Entry: ¹friend

Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free

Date: before 12th century

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : aquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion

Alright, so there are a few solid and educationy ways of looking at friendship. Now, lets take a quick look at what the Bible says about friends and friendships. These are just a few of the many verses about friendship in the bible.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version

A friend loveth at all times.
Proverbs 17:17

This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:12-13

Look at your friendships….take a good hard look at those guys and girls that you call friends.

Are they hostile towards you?

Do they display love to you?

Do you enjoy yourself when you hang out with them?

Do your friends improve your happiness or bring you down?

Do they bring out the best or worst in you?

Do they stick by you no matter what?

Would they lay down their life for you?

Would you lay down your life for them?

So, Dudes and Dudettes, this is just an introduction into this weeks topic. I’d like you to take a look at what, especially, the Bible says about friendships. Take a look at your friendships…question and understand your friendships. They are something very precious and very rare. If you are lucky to be blessed with such a relationship, treasure it.

I will end this devo with a quote and a challenge: “The only way to have a friend is to be one." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So You've Messed Up.... Now What - Part 4

So I'm guessing that by now some of you are thinking WOW this is too much. I can't seem to do it. Every time I try to repent from my sin I seem to go back to it. Well... don't worry you don't have to do it alone. That's why we are here. "We" meaning all of us, not just the leaders of Soul Asylum or Soul Sanctuary, but YOU as well.
The following meditation is written by a man named John Donne. Some of you might have heard it already, some of you this is the first time. Read it, think on it, let me know your thoughts.

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

God did not intend for us to live life alone.  Genesis 2:18 says

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Yes I know that this is when God created Eve to be Adam's helper. But think about it. IT IS NOT GOOD FOR US TO BE ALONE! We can't do it all, and sometimes we need help to overcome the repetitive sin that claims us. If you are struggling, come to us leaders, we will try to help. Talk to your family, they love you and want to help. Talk to a TRUSTED friend, that means someone who will not shout from the rooftops what you tell them in confidence. If you still are unsure you might recall Raena mentioned on Friday that there were groups that are out there to help. Talk to her. She can help you find a safe place.

For those of us that have people coming to us for help, please remember this:
1) They came to you for help, not judgment. It is not our place to judge
2) Listen. You can't do anything to help them until you know the true issue, so listen to them.
3) This is about them, not you. Don't get caught up in telling your own story. You are there to help them, not yourself.
4) LOVE!!!!! You can't do anything unless you love. Love is the key to all.


Which then brings us to the final step coming in the next part:

5) LOVE - Learn to love God, yourself and others as God intended.

Again, if you have any thoughts or questions so far, please let myself or any of the leaders know. If you disagree with anything, please let me know, but make sure you can explain why you disagree. I'd love to know your thoughts.

So You've Messed Up.... Now What - Part 3

So far we have confessed to God that we've messed up and then asked his forgiveness and learned to forgive ourselves. So what's next?

3) Repent - Step away from the sin!!!

I remember sitting in a church one day and I heard a pastor say the phrase "To repent is to do a 180 degree turn and walk away from your sin." That kind of caught me. It made me wonder if that was it, if repenting was that simple. Well it is, sort of...
When you see your sin, or your mistake you subconsciously focus your thoughts, heart and eyes on it. When this happens it is hard to look away. That's why repentance is not just turning away from your sin, but refocusing your whole self on something else. Unless you seek God and focus on him you are more likely to return to 'the scene of the crime' or rather, your sin. For you who were at Soul this past Sunday you might remember a vivid scenario that PGerry did. He slapped someone. Repetedly. Do you remember why? Because that is sort of what we do when we continually go back to our mistakes and sin against God, again, and again, and again. This is why we must repent.

Acts 2:38,39 says this about repenting:

Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off - for all whom the Lord our God will call."

That means you!

Once you repent from your sin, DON'T DO IT AGAIN! Simple as that. Or is it? Sometimes we can't do it alone. That's why there are two more steps.

4) Accountability - Find someone or some people you trust who can hold you accountable and hold you up in prayer
5) LOVE - Learn to love God, yourself and others as God intended.

Again, if you have any thoughts or questions so far, please let myself or any of the leaders know. If you disagree with anything, please let me know, but make sure you can explain why you disagree. I'd love to know your thoughts.

So You've Messed Up.... Now What - Part 2

Ok, I hope you all weren't waiting on pins and needles till this one came. Ready to get grimy? Lets dig in...

1) Confess - Realize you've messed up and tell God

Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the Lord." (2 Sam 12:13)

I've always wondered what have happened if things went a little differently when Nathan confronted David about his sinning in the murder of Uriah and the adultery with Bathsheba. Lets imagine it went a little something like this...

As they were sitting at Starbucks drinking their fraps Nathan said to David, "David, a little birdie (God) told me that you slept with some mans wife and then had him killed so she could be yours. What do you have to say for yourself?" And David replied, "No I didn't!"

It doesn't sound too good does it. I for one am glad that David did not say that. He realized that what he did was wrong and he said so. His realizing that he made a mistake and then confessing it to someone and to God are just one of the reasons why many people say he was 'a man after God's own heart'.

Sometimes when we mess up we don't realize it until someone brings it to our awareness. What happens after that is our own choice. We can say "Yes, I did mess up." and then try to move forward, or we can say "No I didn't" and spend so much time trying to hide our mistakes that we only dig ourselves in deeper. If you did it than fess up. Words have power.



2) Forgive - Ask God for forgiveness and then forgive yourself

Sounds easy right? HA! I wish. Sometimes asking for forgiveness is the hardest thing. It ties in with confessing because you have to admit you've done wrong. I must say though, even if I think forgiveness is a hard thing, I know that God doesn't.

So many times through out the New Testament Jesus forgives those who sin.
Look at Mark 2:1-5. After Jesus heals the Paralytic he forgives him of his sin.
What about the 'woman who was a sinner' who cleansed Jesus' feet with her tears and hair? Jesus forgave her. Even when the pharisees questioned him he forgave. Not just that but she believed that she was forgiven.(Luke 7:36-50)
He even taught us a simple prayer to help us remember to ask forgiveness. You might know it...

'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
FORGIVE US OUR SINS, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST US
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one'

Matth. 6:9-13

So we've asked God for forgiveness for sinning against Him. Don't stop there. We have to learn to forgive ourselves. If God has forgiven us why can't we forgive ourselves. When we ask for forgiveness Jesus becomes our atonement (Rom 3:21-26) and takes our sins from us. The way I think of this it means that since Jesus took our sins, I don't have that sin anymore, so why not forgive myself. It's done!


So now we know that we need to CONFESS and ask for FORGIVENESS. It doesn't just end there. There are still three more steps to go.

3) Repent - Step away from the sin!!!
4) Accountability - Find someone or some people you trust who can hold you accountable and hold you up in prayer
5) LOVE - Learn to love God, yourself and others as God intended.


Again, if you have any thoughts or questions so far, please let myself or any of the leaders know. If you disagree with anything, please let me know, but make sure you can explain why you disagree. I'd love to know your thoughts.

So You've Messed Up.... Now What - Part 1

If you haven't tried to wipe it from your memories, which I hope you haven't, you should recall that on Friday Raena and Dwayne did a Q&A on sexual boundaries. I hope this got everyone thinking about their life and how it's lived. It was great because the two of them gave us all a general idea of where the line is. Now here is a question for you. What happens if you mess up? What if you cross the line?
None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. There might come a time when we find ourselves at that line and we cross it. Who knows, it might have already happened. So now what? What do you do?
Throughout the rest of the weeks devo's I'll be going over some steps that might help you, or even a friend of yours who's facing this issue, out. When reading them please keep in mind Mark 12:28-31 (also Mt 22:34-40) which PJ (Pastor Jerry) quotes all the time on Sundays.

One of the teachers of the law came in and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these.

If we don't think and act on these verses, or keep them central to our lives, than everything we try will be pointless.

Anyhoo, Here's the list:

1) Confess - Realize you've messed up and tell God
2) Forgive - Ask God for forgiveness and then forgive yourself
3) Repent - Step away from the sin!!!
4) Accountability - Find someone or some people you trust who can hold you accountable and hold you up in prayer
5) LOVE - Learn to love God, yourself and others as God intended.

Remember I'll be going into detail as the week goes on. If you have any thoughts or questions so far, please let myself or any of the leaders know. If you disagree with anything, please let me know, but make sure you can explain why you disagree. I'd love to know your thoughts.